


Take you like a drug (your taste on my tongue)

by baekkieony



Series: Different Directions Of Love [21]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Death, Drug Use, Falling In Love, Helpless, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kai/Sehun - Freeform, KaiSoo - Freeform, Love, M/M, Not Beta Read, Porn with Feelings, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Porn, Sebaek - Freeform, Sexual Content, Unrequited Love, angsty, don't read if you get triggered easily, hella angsty, i will go down with sekai, sekai - Freeform, they're not really getting together, this is shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-22 05:56:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13160691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekkieony/pseuds/baekkieony
Summary: His hand lingers on his knee, just a second longer than it should to be normal; a short glance around and a chaste kiss hurriedly pressed to his lips before he runs away and Sehun's pressing his index finger to his lower lip like he's been kissed, too.





	Take you like a drug (your taste on my tongue)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [3star4life](https://archiveofourown.org/users/3star4life/gifts).



> there's implied and explicit described drug use in here, please watch out if you'r enot okay with that! and don't take drugs anyway, they're shitty and it's really really hard to overcome addictions. sorry for bringing in my own problems and experiences, stay safe! not beta'd. how got this so long? **feel free to yell at me; i love attention.**

Sehun closes his eyes.

He closes them.

Maybe forever.

Long fingers are wandering over his skin, milky tights are getting stroked, soft flesh being bitten.

Pleasure in pain, release in blood, happiness in sadness.

He feels him on his tongue, can taste him on his tongue, eat him up and swallow him down, but it's not quite the right taste.

It's not _his_ taste.

"Honey, open up please", Sehun feels numb, worthless when he spreads his legs for the wrong person; another notch on his bedpost already and he feels dumb, because he knew that he wouldn't get anything in return with doing this.

The summer night outside sounds alive and happy and Sehun feels lonely and sad, but his lover for tonight snaps him out of it by pressing in and Sehun has to think, hard, to remember his name. It was something like Baekbyun or was it Bakehyung?

A tear is dripping down his cheek and he turns his head to the side, as if he's feeling pleasure instead of pain and the person over him seems to be satisfied enough by the show he's putting on with his moans.

When the stranger hits his prostate, it's at least enough for Sehun to release a real moan, meant to be and the boy over him is increasing the speed he's pounding with into Sehun, hitting the same spot ever and ever again.

It doesn't feel right when he's on the edge, it doesn't feel right when Sehun's about to cum on his stomach, but the stranger doesn't care, to focused on chasing after his release and grunting into his neck.

"Baby; I'm about to cum, okay?", at least the Baekbyun asked for his permission and Sehun whispers a small yes, broken with tears and the growl or his name coming from the stranger is howling through his ears.

It's Jongin's name Sehun screams when he cums.

Sehun expects the stranger to stay the night, because it's well past 3 am and Sehun wants to cuddle (secretly only Jongin), but he's standing up, rummaging for his clothes already and Sehun is confused.

"Won't...won't you stay the night over? It's too late to go back", the stranger turns around and smiles, sadly. "Thanks, but I have to go. I'm a student anyway, we're used to such late hours like this", he continues to put on his pants and Sehun is watching him intensely. "You sure? Why do you even have to go?", the stranger laughs, empty and is spending Sehun a gaze. "Because it's not me you want next to you".

Sehun feels guilty, because he knows he's right.

He's beautiful, with coffee brown eyes, soft features, nice pastel pink hair and white teeth to blink when he smiles. Over all Sehun can't but call him _pretty_ , not _handsome_ , but pretty. Sehun is handsome. Baekbyun is pretty.

Sehun manages to bring Baekbyun to the door, to wish him a good way home. "Well, maybe we meet each other again, in class or something. You're a second year like me, right?". "No, I'm third year, but thanks for asking", Baekbyun laughs at the way Sehun seems to be shocked, because he looks so _young_.

"Uhm, okay, then get home well, Baekbyun?", Sehun's sheepish smile has Baekbyun laughing again and when he steps through the door, he's smiling not so sadly anymore. "Baekhyun. My name's Baekhyun", he screams when he's running down the stairs.

Before Sehun can apologize, Baekhyun's already left the dorm.

Sehun lays down in bed again, only his shirt over his head, cum drying on is right now and he feels worn out and tired from life.

Sehun closes his eyes.

He closes them.

If he could, it would be for forever.

____________________________________________

Jongin's over at his room, loud and noisy as always. Sehun would deny it if you asked him, but he missed it, the noise. No, scratch that. He missed Jongin's noise.

They're playing Mario Kart, the classical thing to play when you're a broke ass student in college and have no money for other things to play or even to pay for more than ramen as lunch, breakfast and dinner.

But there's always money for weed and cigarettes, or at least it seems that Jongin always has some weed (and cigarettes with him). He holds up the plastic bag, smiling and nodding to the rooftop. "Wanna smoke one?".

One nod of Sehun's head is enough for them to grab their phones and the stuff they need, before Sehun is locking the door of his room.

When it's way past 10 pm and they're still sitting onto the rooftop, blazed out of their minds after smoking enough weed for the next three days (and that was a long time in college not to smoke weed, at least at Sehun's point), clothes flowing in the light summer breeze, not even shivering a bit, Sehun realizes it, realizes a thing he has kind of known before but never admitted to himself.

He loves Jongin.

Maybe he needed time. But he loves Jongin and he looks so beautiful how he lays there, bronze skin golden in the sun, ethereal and Sehun feels like they could be young forever.

He takes a picture, hidden when Jongin doesn't look, because he wants so safe this moment of beauty, this feeling and he wants to remember the day when he realized that he, Oh Sehun, undeniable and unmeasurable, fell in love with Kim Jongin.

It may have taken time, it may was obvious for everyone but Sehun, but falling in love with Jongin was easy nonetheless. It was easy to love Jongin, to love his beauty, his greek god body, his perfectly sculptured face, his full and plush lips, his rock hard abs, his big dick (and yes, Sehun has seen it), his perfect ass, his thick tights, his gorgeous bronzed skin, his chocolate brown eyes and his cocky smirk and his perfect bleached hair which always looks healthy, but in the most points, it was easy to fall in love with his personality. He was this popular boy who's always in the middle, but nobody's ever jealous of, because boys and girls are idolizing him equally.

Sehun would like to say something about it, to scream right in Jongin's face that he loves him, has loved him for years and always will, but the words are stuck in his throat and he can't open his mouth to spit them out, so he swallows them down and lock them into his heart, right next to the place where he has locked his love for Jongin in, so they'll never come out again.

It's unrequited, this love and it'll always be, so Sehun decides to forget about him, to leave him alone, because Jongin has a boyfriend he's very happy with and he would never be good enough for Jongin anyway, never skinny and beautiful like Jongin is.

Falling in love with Jongin was easy.

Standing up and locking it away isn't.

____________________________________________

"Baby".

The honey-like, melting, sweet voice is whispering in his ears, hands running over his shoulder and long arms embracing Kyungsoo's small body in his warmth, only to make Kyungsoo purr like a cat and nuzzling his head in Jongin's firm but soft chest. Kyungsoo closes his eyes and Jongin lowers his chin on his head, gaze locking with Sehun's to wink at him and putting a long finger over his closed lips, denying Sehun to speak only a word about it, like it's still a secret that they're together. Nothing's a secret in college.

"Baby, you don't know how much I love you", Sehun has to turn around, to stop listening, because these words aren't meant for him, not for him; for Kyungsoo only and it hurts a lot. When he hears the wet noise of a kiss being pressed to soft lips, he gulps and swallows down the envy and jealousy in his throat, balling themselves up in his chest.

Grabbing his books and papers, stuffing them in his bag and throwing his coat over his shoulder he's ready to leave the library, long legs walking in a hurry, before he feels his heart racing again and the butterflies want to break through and he shuts the door behind him with the sound of Jongin's warm "Goodbye!" still in his hears.

He presses down the tears with the feeling that he deserved better than getting his heart broken by his best friend.

____________________________________________

It's holidays and half of the campus is out to party the shit out of themselves.

Sehun is out, too, with friends like Chanyeol, Tao and Luhan (with Chanyeol the only third year, even if he's the oldest, but he's dumb as fuck). And _Jongin_. How could Sehun forget about _Jongin._ How could he.

It's hard to stop loving someone if this person is constantly clinging to his side, cuddling whenever he wants and wherever he wants to. At least he didn't brought Kyungsoo with him this time, because he has to work early tomorrow (in his holidays, what a fail), so Sehun has nothing against Jongin clinging to him, because there's no Kyungsoo to burn him alive (this is literally exactly what he'd do if he found out how much skinship Jongin and him really have).

They're at some party of a friend Luhan knows (was it something like Kris?) and Sehun hasn't has one drink in weeks and he'd like to grab one to shrug it down in one, but _then_ he gets something better, something _so much better_.

Yixing's here and Sehun has spotted him right on the point, because Yixing's always stoned out of his mind. "Hey; where are the others?", Yixing yells right into his ear and Sehun flinches. "Jongin's next to me, and the others are in the bathroom, maybe getting higher than the Empire State again", Yixing nods, but then furrows his brows. "And you aren't with them, because?", now, _this_ is the question he has waited for.

"Because I waited for you to give me something so much better", he winks and Yixing gets it, eyes sparkling. "Right, you told me a few days ago that I should get you some", he reaches into his backpack, fishing out two plastic bags, one filled with a white, pulverized substance, the other with hard pills. Sehun grabs them, stuffing them into his pocket, before embracing Yixing with a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I knew I could count on you! Have a great night, Jongin and I are going out to chill a bit".

With that, Sehun is dragging Jongin away directly towards Kris' balcony, which seems to be empty enough to take a line and pop some pills. He rummages in his bag for a card and his phone, before he takes the plastic bag with the cocaine and put it onto his phone in neat, white lines. Jongin watches, fascinated and Sehun's interest is popping up. "Want some?", Jongin nods, luckily has he stayed sober for the night.

"Ever tried some coke?", Jongin shakes his head and Sehun laughs. "There's a first time for everything, right?". He pulls out a 5000 won bill, rolling it up until it comes closes to a shitty rolled cigarette and puts on end of the bill at his left nostril, the other end at the first line of cocaine. "And now you only have to suck it in through your nose, like that", Sehun breathes in through his nose deeply, while gliding over the phone with the bill and sucking in the first line of coke in what felt like ages. "Not that hard, as you see". He hands over the bill to Jongin and before Sehun can say "buttercreamcake", the second line is gone.

Sehun already feels that this is going to be a great night.

It's late, 2 am, when he decides to pop a pill, maybe some E's or 2C-B, but he has to be careful with the 2C-B or he wouldn't feel anything from the coke anymore (the last line was only an hour ago). He decides on 2C-B and gets himself some water and before he even knows, the pill is down his throat, and he's chilling on the couch, relaxing and tripping a bit.

Before he even knows, a familiar face sits down next to him and a second later he's having a handful of Baekhyun in his arms. "Omg Sehun, long time no see!", Sehun nods only, confused and completely with the situation. When Sehun smiles back slowly and Baekhyun looks him into the eyes directly, he realizes and smiles. "What you're on, babe?", Sehun smirks and pulls out the plastic bag that's left. "Cocaine and 2C-B. Want some, I have one left?", he sways the bag and Baekhyun raises his eyebrows. "What a person am I when I would say no to free drugs?", Sehun giggles and hands him the bag. "Definitely not a student I'd know".

Later, some friends of Baekhyun join their little chats, pupils all blown wide and they talk shit about life's a bitch and they're all broke and how college is fucking them all into the ass. Sehun has clinked out of the conversation a while ago, eyes trailing over to Jongin dancing together with Tao on the floor, beautiful and young. "Is this the person who's name you screamed?", Sehun shrieks, because Baekhyun has suddenly whispered into his ear, completely unexpected and Sehun nods, lost in trance and Jongin again. Baekhyun has to smile at how whipped this boy is and strokes his shoulders.

  
"He'd be a good catch", Sehun perks up, painfully reminded how they could never be a couple, how Jongin will never feel the same and how unworthy Sehun is. How fat and ugly. "He's taken", his voice sounds bitter and he suddenly feels a lot less pumped up than seconds ago. Baekhyun laughs to himself silently. "A relationship is a reason, not an obstacle".

"He's my best friend".

Baekhyun's smile broke and so did Sehun's heart, because if even the optimistic Baekhyun lost his smile at the fact that he loved his best friend, then there would never be a chance.

"Does he know it?". "I'll never tell him. I have to overcome him and forget", the smile he smiled was painful and hurt, but Baekhyun dropped the subject and left him alone in his pain which Sehun was grateful for.

He lost himself in Jongin and his movements again, for the rest of the night, drugged and lonely.

____________________________________________

"Yixing, did you get it?", Sehun's eyes are sparkling in excitement when he sees the small plastic bag in Yixing's hands, with the so needed Xanax, his favourite chill pill. He was long behind the point where he could live a day without popping one. "Here it is, but honestly, we're worried. You take so much shit lately, especially in definitely deadly combinations and I don't want to step into your dorm one day to find you dead from an overdose", Yixing's speech is hard, but true and Sehun knows that, but does he care? Not a single bit. "Don't tell me anything I know", he mutters under his breath, before he turns around. When he's moving away, Yixing say one last thing to him that makes him want to cry.

  
"Drug won't solve loving Jongin, Sehun".

Sehun turns around and smiles sadly.

"How do you know that it doesn't?".

____________________________________________

His weight on the scale is screaming fat in his face, fat and fatter and Sehun hates himself for it. Why can't he be skinny, why can't he be beautiful like Jongin, why won't he die already, because he'll never get Jongin anyway. He's on his way to the toilet, finger stuck down his throat, taste of bile on his lips when he hears the bell and has to open it to find Jongin.

"Hi", it's awkward, their greeting and Sehun feels guilty, because he completely forgot that Jongin wanted to come over. "Do I disturb or can I come in?", a gaze in Sehun's eyes has already told Jongin that he's on shit again and he would like to turn around and leave, but Sehun needs him more. Jongin won't run away from his problems like Sehun does.

"Ye-yeah, no problem, come in", Sehun looks disorientated and lost, hurriedly putting away clothes and books lying on the floor. "I can get myself something to eat, right?", Jongin yells when Sehun is running into the bathroom, because he didn't flush the toilet. "Yeah, get yourself some", he replies before being busy with himself again. He really has to wash his mouth.

Jongin opens the fridge, only to see it empty beside a package of eggs and when Jongin grabs them, they're already a month over the expiration date. "Sehun, how long didn't you go grocery shopping?". Sehun looks up, confused. "I don't know, maybe a month?". "And what have you been eating then lately?" Jongin sounds concerned, worried, but Sehun has to laugh at the fantasy his brain is playing. Jongin has no reason to sound concerned.

"I've been eating outside often". "Don't lie to me, I know that you haven't left your room for days, you called in sick in classes and you're not one to skip. You have just been to blazed, right?", now Jongin's undertone changed to angry and Sehun feels himself flinch. "I just wasn't hungry, okay?", hearing how defensive Sehun sound, Jongin decides to drop the subject and just play mario kart.

When they say goodbye in the evening, Jongin hugs Sehun tight and safe, and he feels Sehun pressing his face into his shoulder. "You got skinny", it's only a whisper in Sehun's ear, but he would like to laugh, because _what a fucking liar._

Sehun doesn't see the tear running down Jongin's face when he leaves, because his best friend is destroying himself and he doesn't know why.

____________________________________________

"Sehun", Jongin's voice hollers through the speakers of his phone and Sehun smiles a little, sad and bitter, "why did you call?". Sehun gulps down the lump in his throat and speaks, slowly. "Just wanted to talk". "Mhm, okay, about what?", Sehun is quiet. How should he voice this? "I don't remember". Silence at Jongin's end.

"Okay". Sehun flinches at the rough tone. "Hey, can you call me at another time, I really have to...study", Sehun hears a giggle in the background and it crushed down on him, that Jongin is with Kyungsoo and they are definitely not studying. "Uh, okay". "Great, see you tomorrow then!". Before Jongin can close the line, Sehun interrupts him.

"Wait!", Jongin stay silent, seems to expecting something.

"What?".

  
"Jongin, do you love me?", Sehun knows he would regret this question.

Jongin instantly answers.

"Yeah, I definitely do", he sounds safe and Sehun can't believe that he's dumb enough to hurt himself so much, to settle his fate with the next question.

"As a partner or as a friend?".

Jongin answers quieter this time.

"As a friend".

Sehun bits back his tears and ends the call.

 _Where are the benzos and the xanax Yixing has given me yesterday,_ he thinks, before he swallows them all.

He remembers the letter he wanted to give Jongin and grabs it, hand closing around it.

Sehun closes his eyes.

He closes them.

Forever.

____________________________________________

When Sehun doesn't come to class next morning, Jongin already has a bad feeling, a really bad feeling. When he's finished for todays classes, he doesn't go back home to Kyungsoo, no, he's right on his way to Sehun's dorm.  
  
When he storming up the stair and furiously knocking on his door, he knows something went wrong. He waits a few second and then he's knocking again, before kicking just the door open and running into the room.

He sees Sehun, lying on his couch, head hanging over the edge, eyes closed and Jongin is calling the ambulance already, screaming into his phone that Sehun needs help, because he overdosed himself and that everything went wrong and the lady on the phones tells him to stay calm, but he can't.

He's throwing the phone onto the floor after telling them where Sehun lives and he opens Sehun's mouth, telling him to breathe and that he can't be dead, before trying to reanimate him again and again. Nothing helps, nothing, Sehun just stays _dead_ and Jongin gives up, because he can't help him and he only waits for the ambulance by now.

It's shortly before the ambulance arrives when he notices the small paper in Sehun's hand and when he reads the few sentences Sehun wanted to tell the word, his heart freezes and tears are streaming faster.

_Kim Jongin_

_You told me once I'm perfect_

_But tell me_

_Was 'perfect' enough?_

_Love me_


End file.
